Jan/Feb 2008

How to be a family

By Wendy Underhill

A family? What’s that? Is it the “traditional” structure of pie-making mom, briefcase-toting dad, and scrubbed-and-smiling kids, all surrounded by a white picket fence? Is it a lesbian couple with an adopted baby from China? Who knows these days? In the end, it may be a little like the late Justice Potter Stewart’s assessment of pornography; it’s hard to define, but you’ll know it when you see it.

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights has a definition. It says that “The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.” That’s an all-inclusive definition if ever there was one, leaving a great deal up to the interpretation of the reader.

To be more pragmatic, you know you’re in a family if you share:

The chores: Running a household requires food preparation, errands, repairs and maintenance, and at least a perfunctory cleaning from time to time. If one person does it all and the other pays rent, that’s not a family, that’s a boarding house.

Money: Families may or may not commingle funds, but they do make agreements about how money and expenses are divvied up. More importantly, if unforeseen needs come up, “family” pitches in.

The good news (and the bad): Who you call first with big news is an indicator of who’s family and who’s not.

A history: When a new family forms, a new history is crafted and then shared with any additional newcomers to the family (children, most likely).

A future committment: “Family” is based on the idea that the members will be there for each other over the long haul. Life may intervene, but the plan is to be a “fundamental group unit” until death.

Some form of sex: At least in the beginning. Or, in the absence of sex, at least an intimacy that’s not shared with another person or group of people. In the end, you are each other’s priority.

So that’s a family. And it’s not getting the crucial support or respect it needs and deserves, says Howard B. Schiffer, author of How to Be A Family: The Operating Manual (Heartful Loving Press, 2004). “Everything in this culture works against the family,” Schiffer says. “If we were really motivated by family values, we’d get a month or two off every year, and we’d have high-quality child care that is easily available and affordable.”

It’s not easy to change public policy, but on the home front we can and do have power. Schiffer’s central principle is, “If you hold the family as a sacred trust, the rest will fall into place.” How? With these suggestions from Schiffer and others who are reclaiming the meaning of “family values.” No one family can focus on them all, but these ideas all move in the direction of fostering connectivity - and not of the electronic kind.

1 Talk about it.
Years ago, a birth coach advised her expectant families to be sure that throughout the years they always reserve at least 10 minutes for one-on-one time with each child, every day. The new parents could hardly believe such advice was necessary; wouldn’t they be devoting hours each day? When the number of children adds up, and work and school schedules pile on, it’s not as easy as it seems. Make time to listen to adult and child family members in the car, at the table, in a bed, whenever you’re able. And then be willing to share some thoughts from your own private life as well.

2 Stay in touch.
From the youngest child to the oldest great-grandparent, being touched is one of the core signals of love. Science has shown that animals wither away without it. Humans are animals, too. Often during the teen years, parents curtail their hugs, fearful that touch equates with sexuality. Break away from that pattern, and give your kids a squeeze (whenever they’ll let you). And your spouse, too; demonstrate your love and set a good “hands-on”example.

3 Foster everyone’s emotional side.
Some of us naturally developed a high “emotional quotient,” or “emotional intelligence,” and others of us were taught to suppress that side of ourselves. Therapists have a booming business helping adults locate, identify or express their emotions. Do your children a favor and help them with this early on. This advice from the authors of Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers: Guiding the Way for Compassionate, Committed, Courageous Adults (Three Rivers Press, 2000) works for everyone, not just oneís offspring: to teach emotional intelligence, use it.

4 Give priority to your adult relationship.
(if there is one.) That relationship may predate any children, and it (hopefully) will outlast the years the children are in the house. Says Gail Sawchuk, the executive director of Boulder’s Parenting Place, “It’s easy especially for the mom to forget to involve the dad” at the early stages. While babies do have priority in many ways, it’s not long before toddlers can learn to wait a very few minutes, and preschoolers can learn that “This is Mommy and Daddy’s time now. All too often, the “focus on the family” ends up meaning “the focus on the children,” and that’s when the loving well runs dry.

5 Eat together.
We’ve all heard that one of the best ways to ensure that children grow up happily is to eat dinner as a family most nights of the week. So do it. The food isn’t the issue - scrambled eggs are fine. It’s the conversation, the exchange of ideas, and the consideration one for the other that matters. This is true for adults-only families, too. Couples can work hard all day, but then commit to meeting in the kitchen and cooking dinner. Together. No television, no distractions. It’s about the family glue of connection.

6 Play together.
Says Schiffer, this means being conscious about preserving family time. “We lose out by being the nice parent and letting the kids go off” with peers instead of with family. Instead, he suggests that parents say “no, we’re doing something together tonight because in five years you won’t be here.” Of course, make sure it’s a fun time for everyone. Just as “date night” is important when the children are young, “family night” matters when children get older. And it doesn’t have to be a big deal; staying home with games and popcorn are often the best times of all.

7 Take time outs - for everyone.
While connecting is the essential job of families, it’s also important for each family member, no matter how young or old, to have alone time. Toddlers will learn that the crib is a good place to be for 20 minutes after a nap, just looking at books or playing with a loved toy. For adults, alone time helps recharge batteries, stabilize and ground, and ultimately bring more back to the family as a whole.

8 Aim to provide enough- and not more
Enough is satisfying; focusing on “more” means focusing on dissatisfaction. How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know To Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible, and Respectful Children by Jean Illsley Clark, Connie Dawson, and David Bredhoft (2004, Marlowe and Co.) offers a simple rubric that helps parents know when something is enough and not too much. Answer these questions: Is the item or activity appropriate developmentally? Does it fit within family resources? Does it meet the child’s needs (as opposed to the needs of the parents)? Is it harmless? If the answers are “yes,” it’s not overindulgence. These same questions work almost as well when reviewing adult decisions.

9Read together
With young children, reading is a sign of love, just as being held is. By the teen years, there’s no greater sign of appreciation than an adult who is willing to read a book that they recommend. And as an adult, I absolutely adore the times when my husband, or children for that matter, are willing to read out loud to me.

10Share the load
It’s good for the adults, and it’s good for the kids. Since everybody benefits from having clean clothes and food in the fridge, everybody needs to help; it’s simply part of being a human. The more matter-of-fact this familial understanding
is, the better.

11 Laugh
Loudly, and often. Humor goes a long way toward lightening burdens and teaching flexibility. If your family can’t find its funny bone, stimulate belly laughs with silly movies or games; a rousing round of charades or Pictionary is guaranteed to encourage
guffaws.

12 Get outdoors
Children, we’ve heard recently, are suffering from “nature deficit disorder.” Guess what? So are most adults. And something
about nature inspires deeper connection with your partner. Take a long hike, a ski trip, even a brisk walk around the block. If it has to be after the kids are in bed, all the better; there’s nothing like a walk under the stars to inspire intimate conversation.

13 Create traditions
Some of us come equipped with traditions from past generations. Some of us don’t. It’s fine to make or re-make your own traditions for your family. Ideas? Hold hands in silence before starting a meal; pass “appreciations” around the table once a week; light candles to indicate that the workday is done; share favorite (and least favorite) parts of the day. Traditions can be seasonal, too, like eating potato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches on Christmas Eve, or celebrating the last day of school with a cookout.

14 Teach tolerance
Families are not created with like-minded people, all in common cause. They’re diverse; that’s what “the black sheep” idea is all about. So, family is a great place to practice tolerance for those with different perspectives and even different
values. What a lesson for adults to take out into the greater world, too.

15 Count your blessings
(and help your children count theirs). This may come in the way of an evening ritual at bedtime or mealtime, or by consciously trying to mention “I felt lucky today when...” As adults, it may mean jotting down three good things each day. However it is done, focusing on the positive will help develop the positive. Why is this so important? Grateful people are happier, more resilient, and develop better relationships. And that’s what a great family is all about - happiness, resiliency and relationships.