If you're between the ages of 20 and 30, your eyes have scanned approximately 200,000 to 250,000 people, in search of your ideal love mate. Of the quarter of a million possibilities you are drawn to, only one to 10 will powerfully meet your desires. And here's the catch: when you do finally narrow it down to your chosen one, he or she will be your opposite, in terms of behaviors, actions, feelings and emotions. According to Imago theory, developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., that opposition is the basis for a deep, intimate relationship.

      Hendrix and his wife, Helen Hunt, M.A., M.L.A., are the founders of the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy and developers of Imago theory. Hendrix spent years counseling couples who were devastated by the shambles of their marriage and the lack of fulfillment in their lives. According to Hendrix and Imago theory, although shattered dreams are painful, they are a normal stage in intimate relationship development. It is likely that you, too, are struggling to find love and meaning in your relationship. Hendrix says there's hope. The pain and conflict of a committed relationship arises not out of lack of love for our partner, but from a misunderstanding of what a love relationship is about. The truth is, your conflict can be the very fuel for the fulfillment you seek.

Fools in love: The romantic stage of courtship

      Picture this: you're at a coffee shop, alone and single, sipping a latte and sneaking glances at the crowd. Suddenly, you notice one particular person sitting alone in the corner, and you're mesmerized. This person is part of your love mate candidate group. And you're thinking, "This could be it. This could be my one and only." As you both head for a refill at the same time, you come up with an achingly clever line. He or she responds. More banter, and then phone numbers are exchanged. This fabulous person agrees to call you on Wednesday to make plans for the weekend.

       Wednesday evening comes and goes with no phone call. As you sit by the telephone, you make up a story: "This fabulous person forgot about me, didn't like me, isn't interested. But wait -- didn't he say his mother was sick? Maybe she's taken a turn for the worse, and they're both at the hospital right now! That must be it: my fabulous person is so wonderful, he must be taking care of Mom. That's why he didn't call!"

      The call comes late Friday afternoon. Your fabulous person is wondering if you could meet in 30 minutes at the bookstore down the street. "Of course!" you say, and rush off. When you see him again, all is well. You're happy, feeling wonderful and alive. You talk easily, laugh quickly. And as he puts his arm around you, you willingly respond to his intimate touch. You feel so relaxed, natural, and comfortable. At the same time, your heart is racing and you are feeling out of control. This, you think, must be love.

      So how did you get here? Maybe it was your clever line at the coffee shop. Maybe not. Imago theory says that you both had your relationship radar tuned to the person who would help you heal old childhood wounds. According to Imago, your fabulous person has the behaviors, characteristics and traits -- both positive and negative -- of your primary caretakers. What you're feeling with them closely mirrors what you felt when you were little. Therefore, what you knew to be love then, and what you knew as the behaviors of the ones who loved you, is what you subconsciously choose now.

      In the early stages of romantic love, it's hard to see the opposition. You both like the same things -- the same restaurants, hiking trails, movies. You've traveled to the same places, and you want to go to the same places in the future. You sometimes even say the same things or think the same things at exactly the same time. So what's the opposite in all of that? Opposites do attract, but maybe not in the way you're thinking. The opposites that are unconsciously attracting are more than superficial behaviors and preferences. They're deep, perhaps unrecognized feelings, emotions and character traits, and they have to do with fulfilling unmet childhood needs.  

      During the fabled romantic stage of any relationship, the positives outweigh the negatives, and you're more than willing to excuse certain behaviors. Even though he or she forgets to call, or flies off the handle at the slightest provocation, this Fabulous Person surely loves you like no other. Imago theory notes that your unconscious self feels the negatives as well. Later, these negative aspects of your new lover will become enormous power struggle issues. Take note: according to Imago theory, your future happiness in the relationship will depend on how well you and your partner can resolve the negative aspects of your relationship.

      To see what will happen next in your relationship, let's return to your first week together, where this fabulous person was supposed to call you, and didn't. In the romantic stage, you manage the disappointment as you did when you were little. You create justifications and rationalizations to keep you safe until he finally does call. Then the excitement of seeing him washes away the hurt and sorrow of the forgotten call, which translates in the unconscious mind as not being valued, honored and seen. As the newness and wonderment of your budding love relationship fades, the power struggle stage of the relationship will arrive in the form of disillusionment.

      Let's see what happens a few months later: your fabulous person forgets to call at the appointed hour. This time, you don't fabricate excuses about sick mothers. This time, you can't believe that he would do this to you. What's wrong with him? Doesn't he know how badly this hurts you? Now you're frightened, terrified that he doesn't understand you after all. "Oh, no," you think, "I've made a huge mistake! This isn't the right person for me!" The hurt and sadness manifests as anger, but the unconscious energy that fuels your anger is childhood disappointment. All of the disappointments of unkept childhood promises come surging forward -- the promises of a new bike, a birthday party, safety, love. Unconsciously, you believed that your fabulous person would meet all your needs in exactly the way you've always wanted. They would not betray you. They would not ignore you or abandon you. They would always be warm, available, dependable, caring and loving. Always, every time, without fail, forever.

The power struggle 

      When our partners fail to meet our needs, we try to force them to do so, in a variety of ways. In the power struggle, you and your partner become engaged in a new dance that consists of unconscious, reactive responses to not getting your needs met. These, again, stem from early childhood wounds. If you have abandonment issues, you will cling to and relentlessly pursue your lover. As you pursue, he flees and detaches. In reaction to your desperate attempts to reach out and connect, he feels smothered and controlled. Your attempts to access him and to get him to pay attention to you pushes him away. The more you press to get what you need, the further he distances himself. But he's not trying to ignore you. He's simply trying to get away from you to feel safe. Your demands scare him and remind him of his relationship with his primary caretakers.

       Imago theory says that, ironically, what you need the most, your partner is least able to give to you. It may sound like a nightmare, but within that paradox lies the opportunity for great healing. First, to break the unconscious patterns of the power struggle dance, it's helpful to learn about the stages of childhood development and how unresolved issues at different stages show up later in intimate adult relationships. This can help you identify what's really going on in your power struggle with your intimate partner. See if you can relate to the following actions, reactions or feelings; many may have been present in your childhood years, and may be active in your adult relationship.

Stage one: Attachment

      The first stage of development is called the attachment stage. In this stage, a developing child and an adult in love have parallel reactions. Infants are especially vulnerable to a parent's attention. If parents are inconsistently available, either physically or emotionally, the infant learns to suffice without their attention. So if Mom shows up to change Johnny's diaper, and she's cold and perfunctory, neglecting to cuddle or talk to Johnny, he thinks "Who cares if Mom shows up. I don't like it when she does anyway. I'm having more fun watching the bunnies on my mobile." Johnny may become an avoider. But if Mom shows up to change Johnny's diaper and she's warm, cooing and loving, he doesn't want her to go and, when she does, he feels abandoned. In this case, Johnny may become a clinger. And aspects of both personality types may carry over into adulthood.

      For the clinger, the main issues are fears of separation and abandonment. The clinger thinks "I can't get my needs met." The growth opportunity for the clinger is to let go, learn to do things alone and then to negotiate reconnection with their partner. Clingers usually find themselves in relationship with their opposites, the avoiders. Avoiders fear emotional and physical rejection, and loss of self through closeness with their lover. The avoider thinks "I have no right to exist." Too much togetherness becomes the core issue for this person. The growth opportunity for the avoider is to claim their right to be, to express their feelings openly and honestly, and to initiate contact with their partner.

Stage two: Exploration

      In child development, the exploration stage corresponds to ages two to three years old. Say Mom takes Johnny to the park and they sit on a bench. Johnny runs down the path, turns the corner and disappears from sight. Then he peeks around the corner to make sure Mom is still there and available, and that he's safe. But if Mom's not there, or she's talking to a friend she met in the park, Johnny has to come back, tug on her leg and get her attention. If Mom still doesn't respond, he feels unsafe and abandoned. Johnny may become a pursuer. Or, suppose Johnny tries to run down the path to explore and Mom becomes hysterical, screaming for him to come back. He'll likely feel smothered, like it's not okay to have freedom or independence. Johnny may become an isolator.

      The pursuer is afraid that his lover is unreliable and that his lover will abandon him. Their subconscious message is, "I can't count on anyone." The pursuer wants his partner to be reliable, supportive and available. The growth opportunity for the pursuer is to initiate separateness and develop outside interests. Invariably, the pursuer is drawn to an isolator. The isolator fears being smothered or absorbed by her partner. She spends as much time alone as possible, and may become secretive or private. The growth opportunity for the isolator is to initiate more contact and develop intimacy with her partner.

Stage three: Identity

      The identity stage in child development occurs around the ages of three to five. During this stage, children are seeking to determine who they are. Suppose Johnny tells his family he wants to be a race car driver. Dad says "Oh, no, you want to be a lawyer, like me." And Mom says, "Oh, no, you want to be a doctor, like Uncle Harry." And Uncle Harry says "Oh, no, health care is a mess. Be a chiropractor." The message to Johnny is, "I'd better be what everyone else wants me to be -- but they all want different things." Johnny may become a diffuser. Or, suppose Dad asks Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up. Johnny may try on different identities: a spaceman, a cowboy, a fireman, a Ninja turtle, a ballerina. Everything's fine with Dad until Johnny mentions the ballerina. "No," Dad says. "You can't do that. You're a boy." The message to Johnny: There's only one way to be in life, and it's a hard-and-fast rule. Johnny may develop a rigid personality, and may become a controller. 

      The diffuser tries to be whatever his lover wishes him to be, in a valiant effort to obtain approval and love. The diffuser fears being invisible and losing the partner's love. He is unconsciously thinking, "I'll never be seen, valued and accepted," and they see their partner as rigid and dominating. The growth opportunity for the diffuser is to say what they like, want and need, and respect the desires and needs of others. The diffuser is usually drawn to the controller, who fears being a failure, feeling guilty and losing their partner's approval. The diffuser unconsciously thinks, "I have to be perfect." His growth opportunity is to accept his lover's competence, to become cooperative and to appreciate his partner's efforts to be successful.

      Developmental issues at each stage carry over into adult intimate relationships, and generally manifest as distinct behaviors and personality traits, like isolator/avoider, or clinger/pursuer. When couples understand these personality traits, they can begin to understand what they're really fighting about. Jill asks Jack to put the toilet seat cover down. He forgets, again and again. Jack and Jill have terrific fights about the toilet seat cover -- but not really. Jill isn't mad about the toilet seat. Jill is mad because she thinks Jack isn't listening, that her requests aren't important, that she doesn't matter as a person and that she can't count on him. She may think "If I can't count on you to be there for me, to put the toilet seat cover down, how can I ever count on you to be the father of my child?"

      According to Imago theory, it's critical to remember that these behaviors are based on childhood issues that are real, for each of you -- so trying to talk your partner into or out of certain behaviors is pointless. If either of you tries to get changes in the relationship without accepting that they're likely based in childhood wounds, all you'll get is hurt, anger and frustration.

You say tomato...

      Opposites do fall in love -- unless they drive each other crazy first. Moving past frustration and into love requires honoring, even celebrating, your differences. This process is marked by issues of symbiosis and differentiation.

      Symbiosis is feeling whole, complete and connected to your lover. The romantic stage of an intimate relationship is all about symbiosis -- finishing each others sentences, knowing what the other is thinking, saying the same thing at the same time, feeling fully alive and energized, and rediscovering parts of yourself that you have neglected or lost. In the symbiotic stage of a relationship, it seems easy to reveal feelings that you may have hidden in the past or felt unsafe talking about. And feeling alive and energized may include deeper and fuller sexuality.

      In Imago theory, differentiation is the process of becoming different from your new partner and having him become different from you. This is where relationships start to get scary. After the intense bonding that occurs in the symbiotic stage, the differentiation stages may be really uncomfortable and disillusioning.

      You may hear yourself saying things like "What do you mean that was the worst movie you ever saw!" "Why did you say that to my sister?" "Don't do it that way, do it like this." You may think you hear, directly or indirectly, that you are crazy, nuts, wrong or stupid. You may tell your friends "It seems all we do now is fight over the dumbest things. We just don't seem to have fun any more. I'm so sick of it."

      The message your mate is conveying is not that you're wrong, dumb or crazy. The message is just that he or she thinks, feels and acts differently than you do -- and that feels wrong, especially after the symbiotic phase of early romance. You believe your partner is supposed to feel the same, like when you first met, and he or she must have changed -- or, worse, he or she lied to you and tricked you in the beginning. But here's the truth: your partner didn't lie. He or she was always different. Early bonding in the symbiotic stages just led you to believe you were the same.

      What you're feeling is normal. The movement away from symbiosis is frightening -- and incredibly liberating. The freedom for each of you to be who you are is essential. For without the permission from your love partner to be who you truly are, you will die as a person.

      The newly found freedom in your relationship brings responsibility. You must honor the fears of your partner, not debate them. You must provide safety, nurturing and love to help your partner illuminate childhood wounds and heal them. In order to heal, you both need to be consistently available, warm and safe for the other. Otherwise, the foundation of your relationship will be danger, not safety. And in the presence of danger, little healing can occur.

      Imago theory reminds us that partners in a relationship have complementary needs and wounds, and that's how you unconsciously found each other. Now that you're together, your relationship goal can be to move from an unconscious, reactive relationship to a conscious, intentional one. Being intentionally aware of your partner's needs for healing and growth will promote your own growth: as you stretch to meet his or her needs, you press up against your own edges and limitations, and learn how to expand them. And your partner will do the same for you and themselves. A struggling relationship can flourish and bloom, creating safety, passion, joy and spirituality in your intimate love life.

      Larry Weckbaugh, MS, CACIII, is a relationship expert who uses Imago relationship therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, PhD. He is the founder and president of Heart To Heart Counseling in Denver and Park Meadows, and is the acting president of the International Association of Imago Therapists. He can be reached by calling 303-768-0446 or 888-GO-IMAGO.