“He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.”
– George Eliot

“We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.”
– Shelly Winters.

Once upon a time, there was a handsome boy who stumbled upon a pool of water and caught sight of his reflection. Unaware that he was gazing at his own likeness in the pond, the boy was enchanted, and could not turn away. There he remained, wasting away, a captive of his own image until the end of his days.

We know the boy from Greek mythology as Narcissus, in versions of the myth both folksy and urbane. Today, the tale has proven valuable for those who want to succinctly describe a person who is self-absorbed even more than the terrible teenager, a person who displays a behavioral pattern of incomparable grandiosity,a need for admiration, and an utter lack of empathy. It may manifest in excessive self-love, the stereotypical prima donna behavior flaunted by the Paris Hiltons of the world. Or it may exhibit in dark horrors perpetrated by such monsters as Saddam Hussein, Ted Bundy or Jim Jones.

A recent flurry of books and magazine articles have blamed narcissism for such troubling trends in our society as the behaviors of philandering politicians like former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and former North Carolina senator John Edwards, the excess-induced collapse
of the economy, and the internet-fueled social networking phenomenon. Could it be that we’re a culture drowning in narcissism? Have Facebook and Twitter birthed an unprecedented era of navel gazing? And if it’s an epidemic, is there a vaccine?

A culture of narcissists?
In The Culture of Narcissism, Christopher Lasch identified a narcissistic culture as one in which every activity and relationship is defined by the hedonistic need to acquire the symbols of wealth. In Denial of the True Self, Alexander Lowen, M.D., says narcissism is not unique
to the present age, that it existed in Victorian times and throughout civilized history. And according to a number of recent surveys, excessive self-absorption is thriving today.

“If you look at the studies measuring narcissism traits, the scores have certainly gone up,” says Jean Twenge, Ph.D., co-author of The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement (Free Press, 2009) and Generation Me (Free Press, 2007). Twenge, a professor at San Diego State University, has become a regular on television talks shows exploring the topic.

“In data gathered from 37,000 college students in 2008, narcissistic personality traits (see box) rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980s to the present,” says Twenge. “By 2006, 1 out of 4 college students agreed with the majority of the items on a standard measure of narcissistic traits.”

Another study asked a nationally representative sample of more than 35,000 Americans if they had experienced symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder during their lifetime. (The study was worded to ask participants about their experiences, without using the term “narcissism.”) One out of 16 Americans said yes; perhaps not surprisingly, the majority were in their 20s.

“You'd expect that older people would be more likely to have experienced narcissism, since they've lived so many more years,” said Twenge. “But only three percent of people over 65 had had any experience with NPD, compared with almost 10 percent of people in their 20s. Given that you can only diagnose this when someone is over 18, that's a pretty short number of years in which to have this experience. That’s a big indication of an epidemic.”

“Self-love” gone awry
Let’s make one thing clear: everyone has a certain amount of narcissism. Healthy narcissism is a sense of selfworth that includes a realistic assessment of your strengths and weaknesses: you respect yourself, but you also respect others, seeing them as separate human beings who have legitimate needs and wants, including values and ideals that may be different but no less valuable than yours. Not so for people diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. Instead, they exhibit unrestrained self-preoccupation foreign to most of us.

“Unhealthy narcissism is occurring when an individual excessively pursues admiration, attention, status, understanding, support, money, power, control, or perfection in some form,” says Eleanor D. Payson, MS.W., and author of The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists (Julian Day Publications, 2002). Payson explains that the NPD person is not able to recognize, other than superficially, the feelings and needs of others, because he or she does not recognize feelings and needs in him/her self.

Do you know any?
Some historical examples of severe narcissism are monstrous dictators like Hitler and Stalin. Charismatic criminals and cult leaders such as Lee Harvey Oswald and Charles Manson are a good bet. On the lighter side, larger-than life artist Pablo Picasso and novelist/philosopher Ayn Rand are often cited. Fictional narcissists - those like Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Gray and Norma Desmond from the movie Sunset Boulevard - are especially illustrative of narcissistic tendencies. On the other hand, your cousin Bill’s bratty kid and your coffeeshop barista with the bad attitude may not qualify.

Ordinary narcissism
Because we all have narcissistic traits to some degree, psychiatrists believe it’s difficult to diagnosis narcissistic personality disorder and easy to get it wrong. So, while we might carelessly label those we don’t like as narcissistic,those who actually suffer from NPD are truly suffering and are largely powerless to do anything about it. They need professional help. But people also suffer because of ordinary-variety narcissism, the kind everyone contends with, more or less. If you undergo psychotherapy or marriage counseling, practice meditation, or pursue spiritual growth through a religion, you may run up against your narcissistic traits. Then you may notice how those traits lead to suffering, and seek help finding a resolution.

The narcissistic husband/ boss/guru
If we are living during a narcissism epidemic, as Jean Twenge, Ph.D. alleges, then we are dealing with troublesome levels of other people’s narcissism too, in addition to our own.

Those of us with a tendency toward co-dependence or a temperament toward caretaking are apparently the most vulnerable to being seduced by a truly narcissistic person. And no one is
immune, not even those actively pursuing a spiritual path. In fact, some argue that Westerners on a spiritual path, eager for a quick fix to ease their pain or achieve spiritual enlightenment, are the most vulnerable to narcissistic gurus.

In his memoir, My Life in Orange (Harvest Books, 2005). Tim Guest writes with clarity and compassion about his childhood spent in communes under the leadership of the, according to him, increasingly narcissistic Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, also known as Osho.

“I have seen the most sophisticated and well-educated individuals seduced by spiritual narcissists,” says Linda Martinez, Ph.D., and expert on narcissistic and borderline disorders. “But true spirituality is the opposite of narcissism. Its purpose is to work through layers of delusion to the truth. Teachers on a spiritual path focus on you, not themselves.”

The “I deserve” mantra
The head of the Shambala Buddhist lineage, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, recently told those attending a meditation session that when he’s on a remote retreat for extended periods of time, he forgets all the things he “needs” until he stays in a hotel and turns on the television. “I watch for just a short time and I think, ‘Hey, I need that...and that…and that.’ I didn’t know I needed so many things until I turned on the television,” he says.

According to Twenge, society’s “I deserve” mantra feeds our addiction to materialism, which fuels our obsession with the rest of the package - appearance, status and power--which makes us all vulnerable to narcissism. Some experts believe that in our legitimate attempt to recover from a sham-based culture, we grabbed the pendulum and swung toward grandiosity instead.

“In my classroom, I’ve witnessed the sense of entitlement increase year after year,” says Leslie Irvine, associate professor of sociology at the University of Colorado, Boulder. “Any excuse for a paper being late should be good enough, and ‘I tried’ should be good enough for an A.”

Irvine believes the increasing use of cell phones and text messaging during class is another indication that today’s youth believe their universe is more important than anything a professor might have to say. “We have decades of projects designed to enhance people’s self-esteem, and the media is a big part of it,” Irvine says. “Why host just one Facebook page if you can devote an entire website to yourself while assuming the world is waiting to hear what you have to say?”

Speaking of Facebook, Scientific Blogging’s 2008 survey found that a person’s level of narcissism is indicative of the number of Facebook friends and wallposts they had on their profile pages.

“This is consistent with how narcissists behave in the real-world, with numerous yet shallow relationships,” says researcher Laura Buffardi. As for how they portray themselves on the site, Buffardi says, “Narcissists are also more likely to choose glamorous, self-promoting pictures for their main profile photos, while others are more likely to use snapshots.”

Antidote to narcissism
If you’re ready to wrestle the narcissism demon, you’ll find plenty of resources, from psychotherapy to self-help books and websites. If your children are unduly grandiose, look for parenting skills classes, or read Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World, by Jill Rigby (Howard Books, 2008). (By the way, if you have a desperate need for your child to succeed, you may view him or her as an emotional extension of yourself--yet another definition of narcissism.)

But if you’re looking to escape a narcissistic culture altogether, you may be out of luck. Thirty years ago, Andy Warhol predicted everyone would get his or her 15 minutes of fame; we apparently took up the challenge. But if Twenge is right, it’s really our downfall. “Narcissism is great if you’re trying out on American Idol, or in certain other professions, in which the narcissistic person may find success in the short term. But in the long term, he or she ends up messing up relationships at work and at home, and becoming depressed.” Twenge further points out that research doesn’t show a link between success and narcissistic traits. She says even self-esteem isn’t linked to success.

Narcissus, the handsome Greek lad at the beginning of our tale, was unable to escape the bonds of his self-adoration and consequently perished by the side of a pond. Is there a happier outcome for a modern society and its narcissists? Maybe, says Twenge. First, she says, avoid sources of narcissism: don’t hang out with high-status, self-absorbed people who talk about their “stuff” or base a relationship on what you can do for them. Second, strive to be humble; involve yourself in activities that support the values of community and charity. This will also give you an accurate assessment of your abilities without the need for praise. Third, practice meditation and mindfulness; it’s a reliable remedy for quieting an overactive ego. And finally, have compassion for yourself. Combating self-defeating behaviors requires practice and patience – but it beats a life sentence of self-adoration at the edge of a stagnant pond.

Roz Brown is a freelance wirter living in Boulder

It’s not all about YOU
(It’s about Chuck Norris)
Standing in for the ultimate narcissist, film and TV actor and martial arts master Chuck Norris has become the popular target
of online and school cafeteria
humorists. A sampling of
“Chuck Norris Facts” (source:
the street):

Some people wear Superman
pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

When you say, “No one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

There are now five cup sizes at
Starbucks: short, tall, grande, venti and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik’s cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris did, in fact, build
Rome in a day.

A picture is worth a thousand
words. Chuck Norris is worth a billion words.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

There’s no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck
Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.

Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up. He’s pushing the Earth down.

Are you a narcissist?
Are you just stuck on yourself, or do you have an actual pathology?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV) describes narcissism as a personality disorder classified by the nine traits listed below:

- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents; expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.

- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.

- Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

- Requires excessive admiration.

- Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

- Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

- Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Narcissism myths
Is narcissism simply an abundance of self-esteem? Does it promote
success? Research psychologist Jean Twenge, Ph.D., lays
out these and other myths about narcissism in The Narcissism
Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement (Free Press, 2009).

1. Narcissism is really high self-esteem. No, it’s not. Someone can have really high self-esteem and not be narcissistic.

2. Deep down, narcissists are insecure and have low self-esteem. People assume that narcissists must be concealing some deep insecurity or they
actually hate themselves, but the data doesn’t back it up.

3. Maybe narcissists have a reason for being narcissistic. People think, “Well, maybe narcissists have a reason for being this way.” That’s not true. When you look at objective measures of intelligence and beauty, narcissists
are just like everybody else. They just think they’re great. They’re legends in their own minds.

4. Narcissism is just physical vanity. Physical vanity is a correlate of narcissism, but there are plenty of other [aspects of narcissism], including materialism,
entitlement, antisocial behavior, and problems in relationships.

5. You have to be narcissistic to be successful. Narcissism isn’t linked to success. Self-esteem isn’t even linked to success.

6. You have to love yourself to love someone else. The reality is that if you love yourself too much, you won’t have any left over for anyone else.