| How did a nice girl from the Bronx
end up deep in the Peruvian rainforest, doing hallucinogenic drugs
with shamans and native healers? For Marlene Dobkin de Rios, medical
anthropologist and psychotherapist, it was an unlikely profession.
“My original plan as an anthropologist was to study embroidery
in Guatemala,” she says. But this field “was kind
of like Mt. Everest. When somebody asked Sir Hillary why he climbed
Mt. Everest, he said, ‘Because it was there.’ This
study was like my Mt. Everest.”
And it was a mountain worth climbing: de Rios went on to become
a leading public speaker and authority in the field of hallucinogens
and sacred plants, and to spend the better part of her life studying
them. She also studied shamanic techniques of healing and psychotherapy
with shamans, ethnobotanists, ayahuasceros and native healers.
De Rios has written seven books and several hundred professional
articles and book chapters about psychotropic plants, including
The Psychedelic Journey of Marlene Dobkin de Rios (Park Street
Press, 2009), a chronicle of her 45 years of experiences in the
field. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and Associate
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Human Behavior at the University
of California, Irvine where she lectures to psychiatric residents
and fellows. Here, she talks to Nexus about the politics of hallucinogens,
the million-dollar industry of plant psychotropics, and the very
real dangers of being a thrill-seeker in a sacred world of healing
plants.
RD: How did you get involved in studying psychotropic
plants?
MDR: My original plan as an anthropologist was
to study embroidery in Guatemala; then the civil war broke out,
and I wasn’t able to go. Shortly thereafter, I was at a
dinner party, and I met a Peruvian scientist who said he needed
an anthropologist – and I needed a dissertation topic. So
I wrote the grant, and we got the money.
RD: Did he pick the topic?
MDR: Yes. He took his wife to an Ayahuasca session
on their honeymoon. It was his thing, and he wanted to know more
about it. I was just the anthropologist who wasn’t going
to get to study embroidery as I had planned.
RD: And since then, you’ve gotten deeply involved
in the study of psychotropic plants. Tell me about your first
Ayahuasca journey; was it spiritual?
MDR: My first experience with Ayahuasca was
very psychoanalytic. I was in my 20s, working toward my PhD and
being a scientist. I was searching for understanding of family,
the Oedipal complex, the parent-child relationship, those kinds
of things. I wasn’t questing; I was just working. And I
wasn’t breaking any rules. For one thing, Ayahuasca was
legal at the time. Moreover, it was given to me by a psychiatrist.
So I wasn’t worried that the police were going to raid the
house or something like that. We took it in the slum, in the barrio,
on a houseboat, late at night. And there was a shaman with a music-making
apparatus of leaves and drums and he was chanting. I was surrounded
by people I cared about, so I was safe.
RD: Did the experience influence you in some unexpected
way?
MDR: From an intellectual point of view it was
fascinating. When you take Ayahuasca, part of the process is that
you vomit. I don’t vomit, so it went to diarrhea. The body
effects were really quite awful. You’re not supposed to
eat before a session, so when you go to vomit, it’s just
dry heaves. And when I was doing my research and interviewed hundreds
of people, their experiences were not “spiritual.”
They talked about it in narrative. I don’t doubt that some
people who take Ayahuasca have spiritual quests; it’s just
not a universal thing.
RD: The daughter of a friend of mine was traveling in
South America, and she took Ayahuasca, and her experience was
very different from what you’re describing (see “Ayahuasca
– up close,” page 24).
MDR: So she was taking it more out of curiosity?
RD: Partly, but she had also heard it was a spiritual
path.
MDR: So it sounds like part of it was she was
looking for meaning in her life. And that has become a growing
problem, what I call “drug tourism.” With the popularity
of Ayahuasca comes a lot of abuses, and people like your friend’s
daughter are often the victims of unscrupulous men – and
some women – who are just chasing the buck. Even the river’s
edge healers, who were in the forest communities, have left their
communities to go to Iquitos and Pucallpa and Tarapoto and Contamana
and all the big cities, because that’s where the money is.
They’re catering mostly to tourists, because taking Ayahuasca
has become so expensive, and the Peruvians don’t have that
kind of money. It’s a big business.
RD: How big?
MDR: We’ve estimated in the millions.
Roger Rumrill and I wrote a book called “A Hallucinogenic
Tea, Laced with Controversy,” in which we interviewed 27
drug tourists and shamans, and we found that the shamans were
mostly charlatans. Most of them had no training in anything. And
some of them are doing terrible things. Under the effects of these
hallucinogens, people are very suggestible, so it’s easy
for these so-called shamans to suggest things that are untrue
or painful or harmful.
RD: How suggestible are people?
MDR: Suggestibility is a major feature of the
plant psychedelics. Charlie Grob, M.D., did several papers on
what we call managed altered states of consciousness. Some cultures
do coming of age ceremonies in which plant psychedelics are used
on youth to promote cultural values like altruism, sharing, being
of one heart, burying personal animosities to work for the wellbeing
of the community. Those rituals have a lot in common with bootcamps.
You break down the sense of self, and then you rebuild it in a
way that’s culturally acceptable. Adolescent brains don’t
stop maturing until about 25, so Ayahuasca can be a very powerful
way of shaping the brains of youths.
RD: Marlene, your lifelong exploration has examined a
part of human experience that is almost relegated to invisibility.
Even in the holistic health community, aside from a bit more comfort
with recreational drugs, these altered state experiences aren’t
incorporated into the understanding of self and world. But in
some societies, pretty much everybody gets their view of themselves
and the world from these inner experiences induced by plants.
MDR: If you know anything about cultural evolution,
survival is the name of the game. Any plant, animal, ritual or
anything that will enhance survivability is highly valued, whatever
the danger. And there are some dangers. A friend of mine worked
in Africa with an indigenous group that gave women plant psychedelics
before they could marry and bear children. If they didn’t
see the blue-green snake, which represented the fertility god,
the shamans would just keep dosing them until they either had
the experience or they died. Nobody’s fooling around in
these ceremonies. It’s very serious stuff.
The main finding of my research is that culture determines the
nature of the visionary experience. So in our society, where we
have no real history of psychedelic use, the experiences are what
you could call idiosyncratic; it’s almost like an every-man-for-himself
deal. In other societies where there is a long history of the
plants’ use, the visionary content is stereotypic. That
is, if you are a peasant in Iquitos and you take Ayahuasca, chances
are you will see a boa constrictor, which is the mother spirit
of the Ayahuasca, and as the nausea goes up through your mouth,
you conceptualize it as the snake bringing healing messages –
so the vomiting and all that kind of stuff is very positive.
I grew up in the Bronx, and the only time I ever saw a snake was
in a snake house in the New York botanical zoo, so when I took
Ayahuasca, there was no way in heaven I was going to see a boa
constrictor. I saw my mother. A lot of psychoanalytic issues came
out, plus a whole lot of movement and color and form; but why
would I see a boa? It wasn’t part of my cultural heritage,
and it wasn’t anything that was meaningful in the cement
city where I grew up.
RD: Do you see this practice as having a place in modern
societies where it isn’t indigenous?
MDR: There’s a lot of research going on
right now in that area. At least two studies have been reported
recently on using Ayahuasca for end-of-life use for suicide and
for death anxiety. And, of course, there’s a lot of work
going on with marijuana and healing, so the tide is changing,
and actual scientific research is being conducted on the uses
and effects of these substances.
For most of the 45 years that I was doing tribal studies, all
we had was anecdotal information. Even if you have a large data
base, the use of carefully planned studies with control groups
and such is very recent. There seems to be more room now for serious
study of these powerful chemicals and any role that they might
have. Some studies suggest that they’re good for soldiers
returning from war zones, for post traumatic stress, and for grief
counseling. As a licensed psychotherapist, I see a whole lot of
people who have tried every medication on the market, and they
just don’t get better, so these chemicals may have some
real potential for the future. Right now, though, there are too
many drug tourists having a good old time with people who don’t
know which way is up.
RD: What do you think will ultimately happen to Ayahuasca?
MDR: I think they’re just going to run
out of Ayahuasca. It’s a difficult plant to cultivate botanically,
so the healers keep going further and further away to get the
Ayahuasca. Among tribal groups a native brew of tobacco is infused
through the nose as a substitution for Ayahuasca because of its
scarcity.
RD: Historically, at least in the United States, hallucinogenics
were adopted by the youth culture. Did you and your colleagues
who were looking into this find that there was grave danger in
this kind of widespread experimentation with hallucinogenics?
Or did you see that it wasn’t as dangerous as many people
thought?
MDR: When I was studying abroad, these were
not drugs of abuse. There was no danger that a researcher would
be accused of guilt by association. When I came to the United
States, I didn’t want to personally get involved in any
studies of contemporary drug use, because I didn’t want
to get in trouble. You can’t help anybody if you’re
sitting in jail because your interviewer is holding drugs and
you get raided. But it was pretty clear, just from the literature
that was around, that these substances are double-edged swords.
They have a role in society, but they also have a tremendous potential
for abuse and for consequences of that abuse.
RD: Has the interest in these substances grown steadily
throughout the years?
MDR: No, actually, in the ‘90s, we predicted
that Ayahuasca use would die out. Then, suddenly, there was a
resurgence of interest with drug tourism, and now it’s a
national treasure and the government thinks it’s wonderful
and it brings in tourist dollars and so on.
RD: So the government’s on board?
MDR: Absolutely. They’ve declared it a
national heritage.
RD: Other than Peru, are other countries comfortable
with using plant medicines to attract tourism?
MDR: I don’t know. We’d love to
get some research funds and find out, but it’s very dangerous.
But it’s also important to know what’s going on in
the drug tourism industry, because there are so many abuses. And
these aren’t the kind of substances you can play around
with. They’re powerful; people can have horrible experiences
if they’re not with someone who’s experienced and
trained in the process.
RD: That’s what happened to my friend’s daughter.
She wasn’t recommended to the person she went to –
it was kind of random – and she was convinced she was going
to die. She didn’t vomit, and she was tripping way after
everybody else had resolved.
MDR: She probably overdosed. In addition to
what constitutes the Ayahuasca potion, there are another eight
or nine powerful plants that are used in witchcraft. The drug
healers who are working with the tourists may mix all ten of them
together, so you’ll definitely have an experience. Then
they hope you’ll send your brother and your sister and your
auntie and your cousins to see that shaman. There have been several
deaths, and these shamans don’t have any way to screen for
health problems, like history of heart disease or other conditions.
These can also be very anxiety-provoking substances, and after-effects
and behavioral changes can last for some time.
Now, I’m certain there are some good people. The healer
I worked with was very good. He didn’t take money. He didn’t
seek people. He was just there. And mostly his clients were people
from the neighborhood. And of the hundred people we inteviewed,
99 of them had been brought to see him by somebody who claimed
they had been cured by the healer.
RD: What exactly is the role of the healer?
MDR: They use Ayahuasca to determine who bewitched
somebody. And then they turn the evil back, and then in a vision
they see plants that are appropriate for the healing. So it’s
quite different than the stories we hear, of the “healers”
who pick up a tourist at the airport, drive them to the Shamans
highway in Iquitos, drop them off at a center somewhere in the
middle of nowhere, give them some Ayahuasca, and spend the rest
of the evening on their cell phones booking the next tour. And
then they get on a motorcycle and disappear, leaving people to
find their way home.
RD: That’s what happens?
MDR: Sometimes.
RD: And is there really a highway called the Shamans
Highway?
MDR: That’s what I call it; there’s
a little new city called Nauta, and a beautiful paved road, and
all the shamans have their little centers with cutesy houses and
trees and sort of retreats, some prettier than others. From the
outside, it all looks legitimate. But they really mistreat the
clients. It’s just terrible. Like I say, there have been
a couple of deaths.
RD: That sounds really scary. Someone reading this might
currently have a son or daughter traveling in South America, maybe
in Peru. Should they be warning them?
MDR: That sounds like a good idea to me! Traveling
in South America can be an amazing experience. Machu Picchu is
very pretty. The food is wonderful. But you can’t just get
pulled off the street into something. You wouldn’t do it
here, so why would you do it in a foreign country?
RD: That’s a really good point. If you were in
Chicago and somebody you’ve never seen before comes up and
says “Hey, I’ve got a really great experience for
you. Just follow me,” you probably wouldn’t go.
MDR: Yes, but you do that when you’re
a teenager, or in your twenties. You get older, you think twice
about new experiences.
RD: But even here in Denver, Colorado, people are doing
Ayahuasca—and not just teenagers. Is this a somewhat safer
situation than what you’re describing in Peru?
MDR: I’m not a fan of using all this stuff
in a recreational setting, no matter where that setting may be.
I think it’s dangerous. I agree that it should be studied
scientifically. I’m a scientist; my training is in medical
anthropology. And I think these substances are dangerous and need
to be handled carefully. It would be a shame to see a re-run of
the ‘60s with some of the runaway use of these drugs. These
aren’t mild substances, like the old-time marijuana before
they started doubling the chromosomes. The dangers are just too
great.
RD: Then why do people—and not just teenagers—continue
to be attracted to them and experiment with them?
MDR: We live in a society that’s in decay,
and these are all manifestations of people’s response to
the decay. The West is losing its hegemony. The world is getting
shaken up. The future’s unclear. People try to cope, and
these are substances that sometimes help them.
RD: Well at least they’re trying; maybe they’re
thinking “I’m not just going to do the same old thing
this time.”
MDR: Yes, and it may be that the people in your
area are trying these kinds of substances for different reasons,
as a more spiritual approach, more from the perspective of seeking
something, rather than trying to escape, avoid or run away from
something.
RD: I think that’s true. Especially because, in
the Denver metro area, a lot of people are experimenting with
changing their consciousness without using drugs.
MDR: Yes, and you have people who experiment
with communes, or the Hari Krishna groups, or whatever. I’m
not against experiential kinds of things; I’m just acutely
aware of the harm/risk/benefit ratio: what’s the likelihood
in the hundreds that you’re going to get in trouble? Rationality
is always important if only as an anchor.
RD: I’ve looked at a number of books on
psychotropic substances, and they’re mostly positive. They
claim to have found a new view of the world and a new understanding
of self that is liberating or ecstatic or healing in some grand
way. The people reading these books will, I think, consider this
avenue. They’d be interested in a peyote journey or Ayahuasca
or psilocybin. Moreover, I think the authors of these books want
us to see the world through a slightly different lens than we
are now able to.
MDR: I know what you’re saying. Oscar
Janiger, a University of California, Irvine, psychiatrist, gave
almost 1,000 people LSD in the 1950s, and he kept records. The
book is incredible, because there’s all this pre-modern
use of LSD. And he found that 24 percent of the people—from
all walks of life – who took it, had spiritual experiences
well within the context of their background and training and conditioning.
As far as creativity, he gave 100 artists LSD and he had them
draw or paint a Kachina doll, and he got some really interesting
stuff. The book has pictures of some of the artwork. The artists
liked LSD; they found it was very liberating.
But here’s the difference: everything was done under controlled
conditions. There was a doctor. There were nurses. It was in a
little house in L.A. The drug was pure, and the people were screened
for health conditions. They were analyzed to make sure they didn’t
have psychotic imagery. There’s a place for these substances,
but it’s not up to just anyone to decide what that place
is. You have to have knowledgeable people in control.
RD: So you would recommend that people ought to get very
experienced professional help if they’re going to explore
these substances?
MDR: I’m not a person who’s going
to recommend exploration. I have academic credentials; I’m
a scientist. What do scientists do? They study things. Do you
remember that cartoon, “Peanuts”? Linus says to Lucy,
“When I grow up, I want to go to a university.” And
she says, “Oh, isn’t that wonderful. You’re
going to learn all these things so you can help people.”
And Linus says, “No. I’m just nosey.” That kind
of summarizes my work. I’m just a nosey bitch from the Bronx.
Ayahuasca Up
Close
What’s an Ayahuasca journey really like? Here, two
people present their very different experiences to Ravi
Dykema: a 22-year-old female CU student (EJ), and a 51-year-old
male director of a holistic health academy (MD). Both live
in the Denver area. Both asked to remain anonymous.
“Soul-Purging and Spectacular”
RD: Tell me about your experiences with Ayahuasca.
MD: I’ve done Ayahuasca close to 20 times
over the last 20 years, and my experiences have all been
overwhelmingly positive. All of them were in the United
States - Hawaii, New Mexico and Colorado. I’ve done
it with different shamans from Peru and Columbia, in the
Santo Daime tradition. I’ve also done it in what I
refer to as the cowboy tradition—lead by Westerners
who have gone to the rain forest, done Ayahuasca a bunch
of times, learned a few things, and now lead ceremonies.
What’s fascinating is that of those 20 or so experiences,
maybe 15 really felt wonderful – beautiful openings,
beautiful insights, fantastic healings on a personal and
emotional level. Maybe five of them have been extremely
challenging, with much difficult personal content coming
up. Even so, the net result, once the journey was over,
was always spectacular. That’s what captures my imagination:
even the most difficult journeys feel like a soul purging.
Afterwards, I feel about 100 pounds lighter, younger, happier,
as if every cell in my body had an enema.
RD: Were there any negative side effects or after-effects?
MD: For me the side effects are always
positive. Most people report that for three or four days
afterwards, they still feel open and receptive – there’s
a nice afterglow. For me, that can last as much as a few
weeks. I’ve never had negative side effects. The very
first time I did it, it was so powerful that it took me
years before I wanted to do the experience again. Not in
a negative way; it was like having a really good meal and
feeling so satisfied you don’t want another meal for
a little while.
RD: Marlene De Rios is cautionary about
casual explorers seeking spiritual insight using Ayahuasca.
She believes the dangers far outweigh the benefits. Have
you seen negative outcomes?
MD: I always see the positive, simply
because I have done them in groups. When it’s done
as a group, then you’re with a leader who’s
trained, and knows the experience. Ayahuasca is traditionally
not done alone and there’s a good reason for that.
I’ve seen people have very challenging times, but
always integrating them. Maybe that’s just my good
fortune to have been in the right places at the right times.
RD: Have you recommended it to other people over
the years?
MD: I’ve recommended it profusely.
Ayahuasca is sort of the grandmother of all psychedelics.
It functions at a very high level. I often recommend it
to people who have had a history of this kind of exploration,
as something that can take them further on their journey.
I’ve recommended it to people who have had physical
ailments, who haven’t found healing through the medical
profession or other means. I’ve recommended it to
people who were feeling really stuck in their lives, who
keep cycling in the same patterns and not getting anywhere.
And I’ve also recommended it for, believe it or not,
teenagers who are ready for a powerful transformational
experience.
Ayahuasca is given to 5-year-olds in traditional cultures.
In this culture, I wouldn’t do that. But it’s
a powerful initiatory experience that can give a young person
a direct sense of their own spirituality, of the universe,
the collective, God, whatever you want to call it. I’ve
been around at least a dozen teenagers who have done this
experience along with me, and it’s always been profound
for them.
RD: Do you think Ayahuasca use has produced a positive
effect on our society?
MD: I think it’s been amazingly
positive, especially in my circle. I’m in a strong
professional network of doctors, psychologists, corporate
types who are all doing good work in the world. The people
in my circle are unanimous that Ayahuasca has been a powerful
influence on their healing and their vision of who they
are and how they’re supposed to be in the world. And
the more clear we get, the more our original, authentic
self gets exposed.
“Terrifying and horrible”
RD: What was your Ayahuasca journey like?
EJ: It was terrifying and horrible, but
I don’t regret it—I learned a lot about myself.
RD: How did you end up going on an Ayahuasca journey?
EJ: I was traveling in South America with
a friend, and we ended up at an eco-lodge in San Roque,
where we met a little community of spiritual folk who obviously
weren’t originally from there; they were kind of removed
from the native San Roque village people. All of them had
done Ayahuasca before and used it as a spiritual journey.
RD: Tell me about your first experience.
EJ: We had gone to visit the shaman in
the village who was doing the ceremonies, and he said “We’re
doing a day session. Why don’t you join us for this?”
We’d heard it is usually done at night, in a dark
room.
On the morning of the ceremony, we didn’t eat anything,
and we had done a fruit fast for two days before. We all
had to wear white, so I wore a white T-shirt and a bed sheet
wrapped around my waist. We all walked there. It was an
easy walk through the town and over a bridge.
It was like a residential spiritual community; the shaman
was French, and he had a lot of French disciples who lived
there and did spiritual work and took Ayahuasca every day.
It was beautiful, in the jungle, very open and spacious,
with random structures and paths that led to other random
structures. The shaman had these big white dogs—huge,
muscular, almost like boxers, but bigger and very intense—and
a pet monkey.
RD: Who was there for the ceremony?
EJ: It was me, my friend Jess, and six
other Anglos from the village, and one of the French disciples
of the shaman. Jess and I paid $80 (U.S.) each, a lot of
money in Peru.
We were in a circle in this little hut with no walls, open
to the jungle. The shaman poured out portions of the Ayahuasca
tea and served everyone. It tasted really awful. Then we
all just sat there for a while, holding our buckets and
waiting to throw up. Meanwhile the shaman was walking around,
shaking a rattle and chanting.
I was really aware of how I was feeling, asking myself “Do
I feel it yet?” I was way too in my head, not relaxing
into it. I was anxious about vomiting. I had a horrible
experience with vomiting when I was a child and ate some
mouse poison. I was given an emetic at a clinic to make
me vomit so I’m paranoid about throwing up.
Every once in a while, I would look out the window at the
trees and feel this sense of benevolent spirits, like eyes
watching me, and it was very comforting. I would feel completely
relaxed and at peace, and then I would get back in my head,
and start thinking “Shit, I haven’t vomited
yet. When am I going to vomit?” My stomach really
hurt, and it kept getting worse and worse, and all around
me everyone was groaning and moaning and throwing up, which
I’m sure put much more tension in my body. It went
on like that for a while.
Then one of the guys who had done it before started, like,
rolling around in the middle of the room, laughing and sort
of speaking gibberish. He was really loud. Then he got really
angry and started yelling, and some of the guys took him
down to the river, and that went on for about an hour.
After that, the ceremony was over and Jess at one point
turned to me and said “How was your trip?” And
I said “What? It’s over?” I was still
in it. Jess hadn’t vomited either, and she was definitely
not back to normal. And I was still going back and forth
between these two places of extreme anxiety and fear, and
feeling absolutely peaceful and spiritual.
RD: What about it was spiritual?
EJ: I became aware that there was so much
out there, spirits and things I was normally unaware of,
and that I had the potential to connect with that energy
and be a part of it, but that I was too much in my head—both
in that moment, and in life in general. At that time, I
wasn’t in my body; I was stuck in this constant mental
jabber, and it hit me like a slap in the face: “This
is how you live your life every day, not in reality, but
in your mental jabber.”
Eventually, the others said we were going to go back to
the eco-lodge. I said “My stomach hurts and I haven’t
thrown up and I’m still feeling really weird.”
I tried to make myself throw up, but I had nothing in my
stomach; I had already digested the whole plant mixture.
By this time, the French shaman had disappeared. I stood
up to go, and I felt really dizzy, and I snapped into a
total panic and thought “I’m going to die.”
I stumbled over to the group and said “I’m really
not feeling well,” and they sprayed me with this water
and helped me walk up to the house. I was hyperventilating,
dry-heaving, gagging once in a while. We got back up to
the house and they laid me on a bench. I lay there alone,
gagging and dry-heaving and feeling totally awful, and certain
I was dying.
I thought of all my family and friends, never seeing my
mom again, and I thought “This is not how I want to
leave the world. I feel like I haven’t fully lived
at all, being in this state of consciousness I’ve
been in where I’m always in my head.” The prospect
of death was absolutely terrifying. It was torture for me.
At one point, Jess got me in the bathroom and I think I
pooped a little bit. Then someone put me in the shower and
turned the freezing water on me. They left, and after a
while I crawled out without my sheet in just my underwear,
which had poop in them. Everyone said they were going back
to the village, and I kept saying “I can’t,
I’m really sick,” but they helped me walk. So
I staggered along in my wet sheet, and there were people
on both sides of me helping me walk. We were quite a spectacle:
all these white people dressed in white helping this sopping
wet mess of a gringa stumble along. The more I walked, the
more I came out of my panic and realized I was going to
be okay.
RD: Did you feel elation when you realized you
weren’t going to die?
EJ: Totally. And the further I walked,
the more I believed.
RD: When we first started talking, you said it
was horrifying and terrifying, but it was also instructive.
What did you learn?
EJ: That I don’t want to be living
like this every day—so in my head, and worried about
what people think. I am constantly seeking approval from
others; my sense of self and my self-identity is based on
what I think other people think of me. I don’t want
to live like that.
It also gave me a sense that if I could make it through
that, then I can overcome this way of being and find a state
of consciousness that’s more real and more me. I do
think it changed my awareness permanently of how I live
and how I want to be able to live. It definitely made me
more aware of the concept of death and made me anxious about
it. I had always thought that if I died it would be okay.
But now I’ve found this serious fear of death--like
I really want to get to a certain point within myself before
I would be okay with dying. |
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